It’s been 3 years since my last suicidal thoughts. I had my 4th baby, and I knew I was screwing up as a mom again. It was my 4th baby, and I still wasn’t doing things right. I kept messing up, and I kept failing my mom duties. Wouldn’t my kids be better without me? My husband could find a better mom. A mom who wasn’t sick half her days. A mom who didn’t loose her **** because she was such a mess. A mom who did better at church things. A mom who did all the cutesie things. A mom who could give more.
But I didn’t. I didn’t because of 3 words.
It’s ALWAYS BEEN THESE THREE WORDS.
Suicide is Selfish.
This was a phrase my mom said to me that I have clung to since I was a child. (Backstory in another post.)
Back then I believed my mom that it was SELFISH. However, I didn’t feel it was selfish. To me, Suicide would have been SELFLESS.
So is Suicide selfish or selfless?
Selfish??
For whatever reason, my mom told me Suicide was selfish. I don’t know if I had told her my thoughts as a kid or she read between the lines.
I don’t remember telling my mom, but in one of my meltdowns I might have said something like, “The world would be a better place without me.” I don’t know if I spoke those words, but I remember thinking them.
My mom explained to me that even though a person was hurting, if they chose suicide, they were leaving their family here to mourn their loss.
One part of my brain “gets it.” And that’s what has saved my life several times.
Leaving others to feel sad for the rest of their lives while you skipped your sadness. They will now have to go to counseling or get on meds because of the sadness you caused by committing suicide. That did seem selfish.
Taking the easy way out, but leaving others now with a harder life. They will have financial burdens from the suicide and the costs of trying to cope with the life without you. That does seem selfish.
To think about only your life being affected. Your family now have to go through questioning from police, deal with all the investigating, and the judgements of others.
Every time others go somewhere that they went with you is now a reminder of loosing you. It’s a stab every time they want to try to remember the happy moments.
Suicide is selfish.
Those words saved my life.
However:
SELFLESS?
When you are in the moment of these thoughts, Suicide doesn’t seem selfish. For me, I would be making the world a better place. That’s pretty selfless.
Doing what needs to be done to make others happy is selfless.
Giving away your life to free others from the burdens you cause is selfless.
Making things easier for others by not having your screw ups anymore is selfless.
One less person to be annoying and frustrating is selfless.
When you’re deep in those dark clouded thoughts, Suicide doesn’t seem selfish. It seems selfless.
SO WHICH IS IT?
In the moment, you feel Suicide would be good for everyone else. When you’re trying so hard to make others happy, Suicide is “good.” That’s what you think. It seems SELFLESS.
However, there are people that love you; faults and imperfections included. They would not view your suicide as “good.” They would mourn. Some would even feel remorse for not knowing and helping.
Outside looking in, Suicide seems SELFISH because you are only thinking about yourself in that moment. Not the after effects.
I can’t say suicide is one or the other. Suicide has always been both for me. Suicide is selfish and selfless.
My mom may not remember she ever said those words to me, but they were tattood in my mind long ago.
It was because she called it selfish I was able to push away the selfless thoughts and think more of others in my life. For that I am truly grateful.
If you have suicidal thoughts, believe me there are people that love you. There are people that would miss you. Even though your mind thinks the world would be a better place without you, it’s lying to you. Sometimes our minds lie, and we have to identify it as such.
Get help.
Find a safe person. Journal it out. Post it (that’s how I knew about one of my friends). Get meds. See a psychologist. Use religious resources. Fight back.
