The world refers to it as our mental health. But for someone in it… there is more to it. I cannot refer to it as my mental Health except in respect to healing.
I have MIND PLAQUES. No that’s not an official name, but it’s MY official name for what I am going through. Since my next articles will be about MY MIND PLAGUES, I thought I better clarify (teacher word 😉😂) what this term means.
Sure I could call it a MENTAL PROBLEM because a problem is defined as:
But I want to call it a PLAGUE because it has two definitions that fit more how I feel.
YES! I need to deal with my unwelcome and harmful mind and overcome it’s power over me.
BUT to me my mind is more than that.
My mind feels like a curse that is constantly causing trouble. Not only is it an irritation to me, but it’s also an irritation to others, and those poor people don’t even know they are apart of my mind plague.
My mind causes problems to myself.
My mind causes problems in my career.
My mind causes problems in ALL OF MY RELATIONSHIPS.
I don’t know if these mind plagues are because I was just born with a mind like this or if it is because of the first 5 years of my life. They say kids are resilient… I disagree. Kids learn to survive, cope and sometimes fight, but they aren’t just “normal” after what they have gone through. I was lucky enough to be rescued and adopted. I was blessed more than many others … but what my mind has learned was already planted.
Looking back to childhood, I can identify how my mind plagues affected me. My mind always told me I needed to be perfect. And if I felt I wasn’t, I punished myself while laying in my bed at night. Its amazing how a flood of emotions hit me as I think back to how much I cried and hurt myself as a kid. There was no reason, but my mind was very clear that I wasn’t good enough and needed a punishment. I have never told anyone that before.
At some point I did stop choking myself at night, but that didn’t stop my mind. It didn’t matter how good my grades were or how well I followed rules, my mind was always there telling me I wasn’t good enough. My mind was always letting me know the world would be a better place without me in it. I didn’t consistently hurt myself anymore, but that didn’t stop me from pulling a knife out and trying to will myself to slice. I was not brave enough to push any harder on the skin. Therefore, again I was a failure. Another reason my brain found to remind me I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t even do something good for the world.
I went off to college to make a difference in the world by becoming a teacher. (This because of my 2nd grade teacher who helped me feel like I was important.) I braved things and tried to be a new me. I loved it in quite honesty. I was happy and living a full, fun life not afraid to go and do.
However, the brain is always their lurking. I no longer attempted to hurt myself. I considered drowning my brain’s comments in alcohol, but since I was little I knew I didn’t want that path. I didn’t want to tempt a path that could follow in my biological parents’ path. I didn’t want to live a life that had drugs and alcohol, so I have chosen to always stay clear just to be safe. No, I couldn’t just drown away the vicious thoughts.
So instead of hurting myself or numbing those painful thoughts, I would just cry. Cry and shake for hours hidden away in my car or late at night when roommates had fallen asleep.
Over time, I have learned I can be an expert actress. I do very well masking what is happening inside my head. So much that no family knew how much I could hate myself some days. I could go to work and appear to be the bubbly, energetic teacher. I could attend church as if there was no darkness in my mind.
No one could know my secret… it was one for me to bare alone.
I don’t know how, other than the drive God gave me, I ALWAYS tried to fight my mind. I read self-help books in high school. I tried to mimic those young women I admired with their courage and confidence.
As much as my brain told me I didn’t deserve a good life, I clung to any hope I could have one.
I would always push to find happiness. I would always push to be my best. I would always strive to become better. I would always do my best to please others. I would always try convince myself I was good enough.
What I didn’t realize was those efforts would unlock MORE mind plagues. Having babies would intensify and cause new mind plagues.
My mind is constantly hurting. It is always stressing everything said or done by me, or how something could be perceived by someone else. It is constantly thinking the worse is going to happen. It is constantly re-thinking mistakes I made, constantly re-playing moments that caused frustration.
It’s like my mind decides to flip a switch into extreme darkness some days. It can be very cruel. Some days I need help getting out of the darkness since I am a still not always able to see the surrounding fog.
At 34 years old, I decided I had to put on armor and FIGHT my mind harder than ever before. I NO longer could let my mind win. I have a Family I don’t want to suffer like I have. I have a husband I don’t want to scare and push away. I have a good life with people in it who love me.
I have NO OTHER CHOICE but to learn to teach my brain to stop the cruel thoughts. To stop the badgering it has been allowed to do for 30+ years.
The crazy thing, Those little videos on Tik Tok and Instagram has shown me that I am not the only one suffering. That what my mind has been doing is real. I have/had high functioning anxiety and depression all my life. I know I have to choose the right way to help me heal/fix it.
For now, I am going to teach my brain to stop. I can teach kids at school, church, baseball and dance. Why can’t I teach myself to be nicer to me? I can do this. ❤️
I am good enough for life. I am good enough to be loved. I deserve to be happy.
I will continue to share my mind plagues because it is a way to help me identify, fight and heal my own mind. (*Added: I have done this on my Instagram page @youcancallme__jess I will do better about writing it out.)
If you have suffered (are suffering) with mind plagues, I hope you have the drive to fight through them. Break down the bonds they have on you. Get the help you need via counseling, meds, or your own coaching. YOU DESERVE A GOOD LIFE.
If you haven’t had to fight your mind, ❤️ I ask that you have an open mind to those of us who have and are. We are fighting a battle that never seems to end.
