When you meet me, you will think I am normal. (Maybe not my actions 🤪) Truth is I have always been a little girl in pain.
When people say kids are resilient I get very upset inside. That’s not true. Kids can bounce back, forgive and forget some things in life BUT when it comes to trauma and heartache, kids are not resilient.
Kids learn to fight, they learn to hide, they learn to camouflage and they learn the saddest lessons. They struggle into adulthood and only some will break free. Most of us had no idea that the life lessons we learned were the wrong ones.
Stop saying kids are resilient.
Life Lessons I learned long ago
I have worked really hard in life trying to be perfect, to not show weakness and to not rely on anyone. I have always been a people pleaser and put myself last. Those are lessons, I learned long ago. Turns out now in my late 30s 😳🤪, those are lessons I am trying to forget. ❤️🩹
1. Perfection is a must
Some of us grew up feeling we needed to be perfect. If you’re perfect you don’t get punished. If you’re perfect you don’t hear mean things (as often). If you’re perfect there’s no reason for someone to hurt you physically or emotionally. Being perfect means less pain.
Some are born with perfectionist personalities, but some learn it. I feel I have had both. I remember fearing not being perfect when I was young (in my racing anxious heart). As I got older, it was just in my every thought. Physical punishment wasn’t a part of perfection anymore, but hurtful thoughts were.
The thoughts were always failure if not perfect. Worthless if not perfect. I had taught myself I was never good enough because I could never be perfect.
2. Show No Weakness
Never show signs of weakness. Why? I don’t really know. I have just always known you shouldn’t show weakness.
You must always be brave, always be strong.
Weakness means you need help and when you never get that help you learn not to ever want it. Better to not want something you can’t have then to want it and never get it.
When you allow yourself to be weak, you allow yourself to get hurt. You learn very quickly that hurting inside is worse than hurting outside so it’s better to never be weak.
A weak person is not good enough. You’re already not good enough when you aren’t cared for, so why add more reasons to not be seen as good enough?!
3. You are alone
Facts are facts.
If no one takes care of you, you learn you need to take care of yourself. You learn not to expect or rely on anyone. You’ll just be let down and have to take care of yourself anyways, so it’s best to not expect anything from anybody.
People aren’t to be trusted. They either hurt you or leave. Why would you trust people? Just trust yourself, so it’s only you who doesn’t show up for you.
4. The only way to be liked
Just because you were never loved, doesn’t mean you don’t want to feel loved. It just means you try so much harder to be liked in hopes that you really are worth loving at some point.
So you turn into a people pleaser. You do everything to make everyone else happy. If you make other people happy, then they might like and maybe love you.
When you’re a people person, you also know that their needs are greater than yours. You are not worthy of having needs. If you have needs, you might not be liked and you want to be liked.
The later lesson that comes after those childhood lessons
YOU BEING YOU (BECAUSE OF YOUR TRAUMA) IS BAD.
People get mad at you for being the person you know to be. They get mad at you for taking the safe route and doing all you can to avoid. They get mad at you for how you feel.
You get in trouble for reacting the only way you know how. You get in trouble for making the decisions you do. You get in trouble for not being normal. Trouble just means they are upset at you again. You did something wrong.
When you protect yourself, people get offended and mad at you.
They get offended when you don’t ask for help. They assume you think it’s because you don’t think they are good enough to help, but really you’re hiding your weakness and the preventing the chance of getting hurt when you’re not worth helping.
When you try to live up to your own perfectionism because you’re never good enough, people are mean. They make comments like “You think you’re better than others.” “You’re a show off.” “Figures you’d do that.”
These are all CONFIRMATION to what you learned long ago. The lessons you learned as a child are confirmed as an adult. You are not good enough. You are not worth loving. You suck.
Unlearning those lessons
Here I am 37 years old finally realizing that the lessons I learned long ago were wrong. The lessons life taught me were wrong.
I was lied to by life itself.
You don’t need to be perfect. It’s not even possible. Feel free to do your best, but accept imperfections. Besides imperfections makes us uniquely us.
It is ok and even good to be weak. Weakness isn’t a bad thing. It’s the part of you that is vulnerable and humble. It’s the part of you that allows you to connect with others. The connections and relationships in life that you need and deserve.
You don’t have to be alone. This is a hard one to accept learning. It’s easier and less painful to be alone, but we are meant to have friendships, relationships and family in life. We are not meant to bury everything inside, but to confide in safe people. We don’t have to brave the fiery shots of life alone. We can learn to trust others and ask for help.
Breaking down the walls we put up is hard, but you will find people in your life that help you take down each brick. Hold close to those people and walk away from those that put dents and marks on your protective wall.
Take care of yourself by loving yourself. You can be kind and helpful to others, but when all you do is for everyone else there is a problem. You deserve some of that love. You deserve some of that care. It’s ok to choose you over others (most of them will choose them themselves over you too 😉 lesson learned 🤦🏻♀️). You are worth loving and taking care of.
I wish you the best in your healing journey. ❤️🩹
