Recognizing My Strength

2024- The Better Jess- I am already done with her still having fear. Still being in transitioning phrase for 2.5 years. Still needing to change to be better. The Newer Jess is just not who I want to be anymore.

But I realize that’s really not fair. Who I am today is very different than who I used to be. Old Jess deserves the recognition for all she’s been through to get here- even if here isn’t where I want to be.

It may have taken way too long to get to this point, but when I consider all I have gone through and done, I am STRONGER than I knew. I need to recognize the strength required to get to this point before I dismiss moving to the next version.

RECOGNIZE AND BE PROUD OF IT.

The Mental Strength

1. I recognized and accepted my life long struggle with depression, anxiety and self hate AND worked hard to battle all. I embarrassed myself checking my thoughts with people to try to ease my overthinking. I had to acknowledge everytime my mind and thoughts were in depression or anxiety. That was a constant eye opener and it was exhausting and frustrating.

2. I had spent a lifetime not having worth, so I forced myself to find some worth (outside of being a teacher). Turns out our worth is as simple as us being who we are in this life. No label or accomplishments needed.

3. I worked on being kind to myself and treat myself like I treated others. This required I changed how I talked to myself, question the thoughts I had and how I treated myself when I didn’t measure up to my expectations.

4. I forced myself to be confident or look like I was confident while I studied and took steps to real confidence.

5. I fought every requiring thought to “people please” by setting boundaries including saying no. This required me to face the disappointment & anger from others. That was so hard because I never wanted anyone to dislike me. I had to let the tears fall and tell myself it was ok at this moment to not meet everyone else’s wants. It was ok if people didn’t like me.

6. I forced myself to put me first. I never came first before, so requiring myself to think of me over others was complete opposite of everything I had done before. I slowly started doing self care and doing things for me! (not for work, not for family, not for church, not for friends) Things for my enjoyment. I started resting -a little. 😜🤣 I required ME TIME regardless of a relentless To Do list that was always stressing me out.

7. I dug into my mind to accept a past I tried to hide. A past that made me think I was not worth loving. A past I was embarrassed about. I had to accept that the past that has caused me so much loathing towards myself was the very part of me that made me an incredible person as an adult/teacher. I am who I am- I love children harder than most – I give of my heart because of my past. Although I wanted to forget and pretend there was no past, I stared at the truths of it till I could find the silver lining. That silver lining was who I am as a teacher.

8. As afraid as I was, I spoke up. Instead of always doing what I was told, following the expectations of others, and knowing there may be consequences- I spoke up against what my heart didn’t agree with. I spoke up for what I felt was right. I spoke up for myself when before my needs and thoughts had never before deserved attention.

9. Slowly, I allowed myself to just be me. The goofy faces, awkward body movements and the weird personality/humor have started to be shared. I danced in public instead of in my head. I wore what I wanted to even knowing I may not fit in with everyone else. Little bits of my personality was allowed to be shared with others instead of trying to fit the mold and being who others expected.

10. I cried and cried. Instead of burying things like I had since a child, I required my heart to feel the pain. I let tears roll down my cheek in the openness instead of suffocating them in the pillow. I allowed the pain to be released from deep within my mind.

11. I forgave myself. After seeing all the crazy things I allowed my mind to think and all the disapproving thoughts towards myself, I was angry with myself. But I didn’t know that I could fight those before. I had seen them as truths. I forgave myself for not knowing and cheered that I fought it.

The Physical Strength

1. After giving up on my health, I tried again to figure out why I was sick and hurting every day. I deserved not giving up on feeling decent. There was clearly more than my thyroid disease, so I kept looking till I found someone who looked closely at my levels. I was smacked with a lot of health issues. I participated in a program to help heal my body. That was physically very hard because it required I ate different than everyone around me. I had to make myself a separate meal which meant give more time to making food and cleaning up- two things I already didn’t enjoy. I had to be the “inconvenience” around others which was embarrassing and sad. Physically my body needed this, but it was hard emotionally and physically to do all the extra.

2. After being told I could eat normal again, I learned I couldn’t because I was hit with issues again. The canker sores all came back, the headaches and migraines hit, and the stomach pain and bloating was there again. It has been hard to try to officially make changes to my diet because I just don’t want to. I need convenient food with my hectic busy schedule. I like treats. I love cheese and ice cream and I forget to take a pill. This I am still working on, but I am proud of my efforts even if not always good enough.

3. Exercising was something I gave up on long ago because it’s hard to exercise when you’re always in pain or always exhausted. I’d try but it became to hard to keep pushing through the pain and exhaustion. As I healed inside my body, I gradually got back into it. I forced myself to do a little even if I had tears down my cheek and I wanted to curl up in a ball. Thankfully, I found something I can push through the pain and do.

4. With my body healing it began to shrink because I was no longer inflamed. It felt so good to finally not have all the extra I thought was just “baby weight” after having 4 kids. But loosing weight meant people made comments. I had to listen to the embarrassing shouts from a coworker to eat a “freakin’ hamburger” for a year. I had to force myself to not feel guilty for choosing to stay away from foods that would hurt me for the next 5 hours while people made comments that I wasn’t eating “just so I could be skinny”. What they didn’t know was how badly I just wanted to eat normal- I love hamburgers. 😜 But I also finally wasn’t always hurting and that was a huge thing for me.

The Life Strengths

1. In the process of trying to feel happiness and teach myself truths that would help me break free from the constant pain in my head, I was told I was embarrassing myself by sharing these truths and changes in my thinking. I was told I shared too much – I posted too often. I was asked if I considered how others felt about me finally being honest and true to with myself. I felt this as if they put salt in my open wound. It hurt to have the ones that meant the most to me, dislike that I was finally allowing myself to step away from the captivity of the bars in my head and step towards freedom out of my thoughts. I allowed the salt to burn, all the while telling myself my heart and mind had good intentions and to keep going for myself regardless of others’ opinions of how I was becoming free.

2. I was hit with not being good enough for 3 different jobs I had in 2022. The clothing store I worked for said they no longer needed me to work for them bc they were trying something new with someone else. I was asked to switch dance competition teams (for her reason, but it felt very much I wasn’t good enough for what she wanted). It ended up leading to changes I decided were better for me as a mom, but it still hurt and was embarrassing. I was told by admin yet again that there wasn’t space for the part time kindergarten teacher. Regardless of being the only consistent teacher for 10 years in that grade at the school, being the team lead and having mentored 3 other teachers during that time, I wasn’t worth keeping. She wanted the easier route and part time teachers wasn’t it. I chose to figure out something else bc I just emotionally couldn’t deal with how she made me feel year after year. I knew my worth as a teacher. I loved all 3 things and all 3 told me I wasn’t good enough to keep. Ouch. I took that in and fought those thoughts that I was still good enough even if I wasn’t good enough for them.

3. Teacher devastation: leaving was devastating bc everything I knew about what made me a great person was all connected to being a great teacher. In the last few months of teaching, I cried every day. It was the ONLY PLAN I ever made in life. It was the only thing I had real confidence in. It was the place I escaped from my depression and self loathing. I had to say goodbye to my Safe Haven.

4. Who was I without my teacher label? I was lost and had no purpose. I questioned my purpose in life bc being a teacher was the only thing I knew I was good at. All my confidence and worth was tied to that label. It was the only part of me that didn’t have a “background” telling me I wasn’t good enough— and it was gone. This was the moment I felt the most broken and lost in my life. It was worst than all the depression and anxiety bc I had lost my core- or the only CORE I thought made me worth anything. I battled this for months trying to tell myself I had worth outside being a teacher in the classroom.

5. I forced myself to start acknowledging my great qualities. Others claimed I had them, so I needed to seek them out and own them. Even though I knew you should never brag about yourself, I allowed myself to feel pride in my accomplishments. It didn’t make me a bad or cocky person for knowing I had great qualities and was talented in certain aspects in life. I convinced myself it was ok to see the greatness in me. I still need to stop calling myself “a brat” when I own being awesome at teaching, tutoring and tumbling. 🤣 I am not a brat, I just finally know I have great worth in those areas.

WOW!

In looking back at 2.5 years of changing my thoughts, learning to take care of myself and facing pains I burried for a long time, I HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT. It’s ok it’s taken me 2.5 years and still needing a few more.

I have had more strength in my little mind and body then I knew I had given myself credit for. For so long I felt weak. Weak mentally and physically. Truth is I have been incredibly strong. And I am proud of that.

This Jess is a better version, but she’s not the best nor the only version. She is rising from the ashes and emerging ready to become who she is meant to be. THOSE ASHES ARE WHERE HER GREATNESS WILL COME FROM.